Enter Google search, “Why is my sex drive so low?”
Enter anxious thoughts, “What’s wrong with me???”
Stop there and look no further. It’s been on my mind for a while to talk more about libido and sex drive, particularly in women. I’ve met many clients and women in my personal life that struggle with the highs and lows of libido, faulting themselves in the process. The truth is, most women have quite a linear or black and white view of their libido. Such as, ‘I should want sex as much as my partner does or similarly to how much my friends do’. Or, ‘I am feeling pretty good lately about myself and how things are going, so my sex drive should match that energy’. Or, ‘I am still young, why don’t I want to have a lot of sex?’
Once we start spiraling on those questions, women, in particular, can go down a rabbit hole of self-blame and wondering why they are abnormal. Maybe at this stage you’ve started to consider meeting with a doctor or think about taking a supplement. There’s nothing wrong with exploring all avenues; but today I want to help you gain a better understanding of your own sex drive and desires.
Let’s talk about how!
YOU SHOULD GO AND LOVE YOURSELF *Justin Bieber voice*
I recommend going back to basics and getting to know yourself physically and sexually. We have other blogs on self love and ways to spend intimate time with yourself as well. Have you ever used a sex toy? What’s it like for you to bring yourself to orgasm or touch yourself in general? Let your own touch and your own thoughts and energy be the guide. Empowering yourself to be in full control of your body and pleasuring yourself can help you learn the ins and outs of what you desire sexually and what can get you in the mood.
BUILD A SAFE SPACE FOR DIALOGUE
What does libido have to do with talking? Everything, absolutely everything. Having a secure space for sexual dialogue in relationships is crucial. We are taught to shy away from talking about sex or that it’s a taboo, secretive, ‘dirty’ thing to discuss. When couples can openly speak on their sexual preferences, desires, fantasies, or simply what each person likes or doesn’t like, you are certainly that much closer to figuring out the keys to better sex. Because libido issues carry with them feelings of shame, guilt, worry, etc., it is crucial to be able to talk about sex openly and have concerns or successes equally understood and accepted by partners. This is even more important if one partner has experienced sexual trauma or has had negative sexual experiences and a negative association with sex previously.
It is important to be genuinely curious about these things in order to help provide a space for new and better intimacy. NO ONE is a master at sex no matter how much experience you’ve had. I love to encourage people to continuously discover new ways to connect intimately and make it a point to learn about one another sexually, constantly. Just had sex? Talk later about what went well or what you want more of next time. Normalize talking, engaging, guiding, and connecting during sex. You’d be amazed with what healthy sexual communication can do for libido! You are essentially training your body and brain that your needs in the bedroom are perfectly fine and your partner will not get discouraged by hearing them.
For example: Not feeling in the mood? Maybe you’re a 3 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being ready to go. Not a problem! Have your partner learn or be curious about what would take you from a 3 to a 5, and then maybe from a 5 to a 7. Maybe it’s a massage. Maybe it’s a glass of wine while you play a sexy card game! Maybe you send some flirty messages to one another. Maybe you take a bath together. Maybe you talk openly about a fantasy for a little while. Maybe you cook dinner together and do a slow dance while dinner is in the oven. There are SO many options!
CHANGE AND FLEX THE GOAL OF SEX
Has a ring to it, am I right? Ask yourself what the goal of sex is. Is it orgasm? Sure, that can definitely be a goal, however, it stops today that you limit your sexual experiences to only one goal. I love to encourage couples to let goals be flexible in the bedroom. Let yourselves master foreplay for a while. Take intercourse completely off the table. Focus on the power of touch or other intimate acts. Take. Your. Time. Studies show that a lot of women need ample time experiencing foreplay before feeling ready to go or at peak levels of arousal. Flexing your expectations for sex can do wonders for even the most anxious people or people struggling with libido. When you lose the pressure to perform like a porn star or assume climax is the only determining factor to good sex, sex can become fun and new again.
DESIRE VS. AROUSAL
We have a whole future blog dedicated to this, but I wanted to mention it here to get you thinking about the difference between these terms. Our bodies’ physiological response to sexual stimuli is arousal. Having a baseline interest in sex is where desire and libido come in. What this means is that having a low libido does not mean you are broken or your body won’t respond to stimulation. It means there are factors at play that are impacting your desire for sex and/or you’re not having the sex you want to have. Think about it!
MAKE IT PLAYFUL
This tip is important for me to share because I want you to have more fun with sex. I want you to laugh together during sex, I want you to play more games together with partners. I want you to talk more openly about wild fantasies and learn more about one another’s greatest desires. And when I say games, I don’t just mean sexual games, either. It is known that couples who are more playful together and share more laughter and fun, spontaneous moments together will connect better in the bedroom. When you stop taking life too seriously, you will have a better experience in life’s intimate moments as well. More fun is definitely a key to stronger libido and desire towards that person or for sex in general! You are allowing your body to relax and enjoy pleasurable stimulation in any form, and you deserve that, babe!
SEE IF STRUCTURE WORKS FOR YOU
Sometimes the idea of scheduling a sexual or intimate encounter with yourself or with a partner can feel too formal or rids the aspect of spontaneity. I disagree! Say Friday night you want to have a night to connect intimately with yourself. The morning of, you set out a robe or change your sheets to your new silky ones. Maybe you spend the afternoon in the bath, exploring yourself with touch or shaving your legs with a product that smells divine or you apply some luxurious oil afterwards. You pour yourself some wine, watch a romantic movie, appreciate your features in the mirror doing your skincare routine. Hop into bed with a toy and a fantasy on the brain and you’ve got yourself a night, girl!
If you’re in a relationship, set aside a day where you want to connect. Talk the night before about how you want things to play out. Pick out an outfit for one another to wear on a date the next night where you won’t want to keep your hands off of each other! Send some sexy, flirty messages throughout the next day. Make it a point to both come home with something that will enhance the experience. Maybe some body oil, chocolate, champagne, whipped cream, a sexy bra, candles; there are no limits! Let it be known that the expectation is to only concentrate on foreplay before your date or after you’re home, and then the rest of the night is up to you. See how much more enticing it all sounds when you spread things out? Scheduling a day is just the beginning. It’s what you do, once you know the day, that will impact how things go!